I Write Therefore I Doubt

Self-Doubt Is A Mood Killer

doubt

I’m a writer in my heart but a mental health coach by day. The reason I have not made writing my living is because I struggle with crippling self-doubt. What a shock, right? A creative who doubts herself – that never happens.

Of course, I know it happens. Every writer at some point doubts themselves. Some of us do it every day. Our inner critic is strong. Mine gets activated when I fear the judgment of others.

· What if my writing isn’t good enough?

· What if I’m not as talented as my fourth-grade English teacher believed me to be?

· What if no one reads my stuff?

Now, the last one is something that even my writing coach would tell me not to worry about. My husband says that’s not the point of writing, but, to me, if no one reads my writing, how can I validate myself as a writer – and why do I need external validation to feel internally validated?

We all want an audience. We want people to read what we write – and, even more importantly, we want them to think that what we’ve written is worthwhile. Worthy enough to spend money on.

For me being a ‘wealthy’ author means that people resonate with my work. It’s an indication of approval, not necessarily of a healthy bank account. (Although I wouldn’t mind that).

I guess after all I said and done, I’m that insecure poor girl from Somerville, who doesn’t think she’s good enough or believe that she deserves good things. To say I didn’t get the validation I needed as a kid would be a gross understatement.

However, I’m not that little girl anymore. Don’t worry – I’m working through it in therapy. Still.

I have written a novel that I put up on Amazon (and took down to rework it) in 2013. To say it barely sold is not an understatement. I also have an erotic fiction novel – I was inspired by E.L. James’ Fifty Shades of Gray – if she could do it, anyone could – somewhere on Amazon, under my pen name. I didn’t want to embarrass the kids after all.

In addition to that, I have multiple novels in various stages of completion. I’m great at starting things but bad at finishing them. The doubt gets the best of me, and I procrastinate. Right now, I’m procrastinating editing my memoir by writing this article. I get easily overwhelmed, and I think I am afraid of success as much as I am failure if not more so.

Why?

I don’t know, but if I had to hazard a guess – succeeding would mean that I wasted a good portion of my life on being a wanna-be ‘published’ author. I’m not seeking a traditional publishing route – and I already have an independent publisher interested in my work.

But – that’s not enough sometimes. I want a guarantee that this will be a worthy book. I want people to read my story and be inspired by it. I want them to see hope and encouragement.

However, the big problem is that if this work gets ‘rejected’, I don’t know if I can separate it from my being rejected. It’s got so much of me and my life in it, that it would sure feel personal.

I tried entering competitions in the past year and haven’t won one. Never made it to the final stage. I’ve tried submitting to literary magazines. I’ve been rejected by all of them. I decided to give up on competitions – it’s kind of like hitting the lottery anyway. Besides, I’d rather get feedback from my writing coach or writing group. (Although I can’t remember when the last time I went to my Tuesday writing group was).

That’s not to say that I don’t have a blessed life. I do and I am proud of the life I’ve built especially given my inauspicious upbringing. Writing this memoir has exorcised some demons that even therapy couldn’t. I feel exposed and vulnerable by this work, but writing is like that for me.

It’s the ultimate in intimacy – and I am not good at that. So, my self-doubt is really a fear of being rejected. I know I am crippling myself and will regret not finishing this book (and the fifteen others I want to write for myself mostly). I guess it’s time to get back to the memoir and stop procrastinating.

Well, maybe.

Thanks for reading this. I know I am sporadic at best. I plan to share more about the writing journey and be vulnerable here as a way to practice for the book launch, which is expected in January 2027.